OLDS — If you know someone who is grieving a loss of some kind, don’t shy away from them but support them, a crowd attending a conference on suicide and depression in Olds was told recently.
That advice came from Shirley Thiessen, founder of Calgary-based CornerBend Grief Ministries.
Thiessen was the keynote speaker during The Conversation Has to Happen…Again, held Feb. 20 at the Pomeroy Inn & Suites.
Thiessen spoke from personal experience.
On Oct. 18, 2012, Thiessen and her husband lost their son Jordan, just days after he got married, when he fell down a deep hole at work.
That started her grief process. She admitted grief can last years, just like love.
Thiessen said most people don't know what they should say or do to support a grieving friend.
“For many of us, it feels uncomfortable,” she said, “but avoiding people who have experienced a devastating loss is not a good option.”
Thiessen spoke of “hope heroes,” people who say and do the right things to help people through their grieving process.
She noted that people can be grieving, not solely because of the death of a friend or loved one but also due to divorce, infidelity, job loss, financial reversal, loss of health, a life-altering diagnosis, loss of a pet, betrayal by a friend, or even loss of a dream.
“Nothing has the power to destroy trust and connection more quickly than ill-fitting, ill-timed words,” she said.
“Conversely, there is nothing more powerful to build trust and connection than with wise, thoughtful, well-timed words.
“A hope hero is someone who looks up from their own pain to notice others who are hurting, and they take action to make them feel seen, heard and valued,” Thiessen said.
“They gently express empathy to friends, family, co-workers, neighbours and even strangers.”
Thiessen outlined four “tools” people can utilize to be a “hope hero,” the “confident, caring companion for your grieving friends that you've always wanted to be, and the type of friend they need you to be.”
One is to listen.
“When a griever can express their emotions without judgment, you make them feel safe, and talking about their emotions actually helps them untangle them,” Thiessen said.
“Hope heroes are active listeners. They're kindly curious. They ask gentle follow up questions like, what's helping you cope with your loss? How are you surviving?
“What do you wish others understood about what it's like to live without your loved one?
“And then (they) listen without interrupting or comparing or unsolicited advice.
“It also means being OK with pockets of silence, because sometimes it's really hard for the griever just to get their words out.
“A hope hero invites a griever to share their doubts, their anger, their struggles, their fear of rejection, without the fear of rejection, judgment or advice.
“When a griever feels heard, a little piece of healing starts to occur.”
Thiessen said another tool is to acknowledge the loss the griever is feeling.
“That means we're going to validate that their feelings are important and their experience is worthy of your empathy,” she said.
“So instead of saying, ‘I feel for you,’ they're expressing, ‘I feel with you.’ It’s saying ‘your hurt is in my heart. You are not alone. We will walk this together.’
“Empathy builds trust. It fuels connection and it amplifies your influence. It super-charges relationships.”
Thiessen warned of what she called “toxic positivity.”
“Toxic positivity says to the griever, ‘hey, think good thoughts, good vibes. Only, don't worry about it. It's gonna work out. Don't be sad. Keep your chin up. You have so much to live for.’
“When others project onto the griever how they ought to feel or ought to be, it can force them to mask their struggles and fake fine just to be accepted.
“That is so unfair. They need to know it's OK to not be OK.”
Thiessen said one of the most well-meaning but actually damaging things to do is say something to the griever that starts with the phrase “at least.”
“Here's what I mean,” she said. “‘oh, you lost your son. At least you have a daughter.’ ‘Oh, your husband died. Well, you're still young. You can find another husband.’”
“Any phrase that begins with ‘at least’ must be removed from our vocabulary,” Thiessen said. “We want to acknowledge the pain.”
Thiessen said another common mistake is to tell the griever to “call me if you need anything.”
“What's wrong with that? Isn't that a gesture of kindness,” she asked. “No, actually it's not, because this puts the pressure on the grieving friend to figure out what you can offer and when.
“So instead, we can make it easier. You could say ‘I'm available on Tuesday or Saturday. I could walk your dog.
“I could bring supper over for your family or I could take your kids to the park for the afternoon. Would one of those things be helpful?’ And then you let them choose.”
Thiessen said sometimes the most powerful thing is just to give the griever a hug.
“Sometimes words are inadequate, but hugs can silently express that you care and share their tears,” she said.
Another tool is to offer to pray for the griever.
“Now I'm aware that not everyone here may embrace the practice of prayer, and that's OK,” she said.
“But here's what I found: it is rare for a grieving soul to decline my offer to pray for them. In fact, people who don't share my world view have expressed many thanks when I've said, ‘I'll be praying for you.’
“You know, grief is exhausting. And it exposes one's lack of control. Most people welcome all the help they can get.
“Grief is like having broken ribs. You may look fine on the outside, but with every breath, it hurts.”
Her last piece of advice was for people to be present for grievers. That may mean being there to lend your support for years.
“Taking action as a hope hero doesn't require a grand gesture. Small acts of kindness have a big impact,” she said.
Thiessen cited the example of a friend who sent her little texts of support not only on the one-year anniversary of her son’s death but regularly thereafter.
“Every act of empathy and compassion whispers hope to a broken heart,” she said.
