OLDS — A pregnancy and infant loss awareness event was held Oct. 15 at the Cocoa Tree Bake Shoppe in Olds.
Local speaker, educator and grief mentor Alanna Knobben and bereavement doula Christa Duquette organized the event.
During an interview with the Albertan, Knobben described it as a chance for parents to share their grief as well as obtain hope and support on the journey to finding a way to prevent those feelings from dominating their lives.
Knobben later estimated that just under 30 people attended the event, which she called the Wave of Life gathering. There was an opportunity to share online as well.
“It ended up making a beautiful impact which is growing from here,” Knobben wrote in an email.
She said Cocoa Tree donated 20 per cent of sales toward fundraising for the group.
“I am very pleased to report that between the percentage of sales and donations made we were able to raise over $600 in the lunch hour to put towards more pregnancy and infant loss support and resources in Olds.”
Knobben, a certified grief care professional, said she had some “really touching experiences” with local bereaved mothers who “shared stories of their deceased children, memories, tattoos in their honour and how they were so glad they came.”
She said she and Duquette plan to hold another such event next year.
Knobben knows firsthand what those parents are going through.
She and her husband lost their first child to a miscarriage. Then in 2010, their infant son Marshall, died of a rare disease at just two weeks of age.
Knobben began writing a diary to deal with the loss. She managed to come out the other side of that grief and create a book, Carry You With Me and a website; carryyouwithme.com. That in turn led to her creating her current speaking and mentoring business more than six years ago.
The couple now have two children, age 15 and 12.
The event at the Cocoa Tree Bake Shoppe was held Oct. 15 because that’s the date for the global Wave of Light when people around the world light candles in remembrance of children who have passed away – primarily those who have died in the womb or within the first few years of life.
October is also Pregnancy and Awareness Loss Month.
In addition, Cocoa Tree ownership reached out to Knobben, as some staff members have experienced pregnancy/infant loss, thus the event was held in their premises.
Knobben said in North America, one in four pregnancies is lost.
“So what I often say is that likely you, or somebody you love in your life has been through a pregnancy or infant loss,” she said.
“It’s something that seems that it’s not that common, but it’s actually just not that commonly talked about.”
Both she and Duquette said that over the past decade or more that seems to be changing.
“Part of it is the topic is less taboo, so people are more willing to chat amongst other people about the fact that they’ve had a loss, so we are hearing about it more now than we did, ” Duquette said.
Knobben also said a plan is afoot to create little supportive bereavement packages that will be dropped off in the Olds Hospital for parents going through pregnancy or infant loss. She hopes they’ll be in place in the hospital some time in November.
Knobben said her own experience with pregnancy loss and infant mortality “changed my life forever.”
“(I) started working organically in this space, where people would show up at my doorstep or at my office and fall into my arms crying or ask to go for coffee and talk about a loss that they experienced 20 or 30 years ago,” she said.
“I realized that this was something I wanted to do for the rest of my life, so started a community and wrote a book.”
Knobben said everyone who has experienced that kind of loss has to process it in their own way.
“Everyone does grief differently. We all come to it from different backgrounds and ages and cultures and faiths and all things – occupations,” she said.
“So all of those different intersections impact the way that we experience grief, the way that it was modelled in our life around us, the way society expects us to.
“And so I think part of it that gets missed is stillness. Actually taking some time to rest and to be quiet and to let the feelings be what they are for you. There’s no right or wrong way to do it.”
She said the goal is to get to a point where ‘you’re not faced by every day for the rest of your life, but that you’re finding a way to carry all of these pieces with you.”
One of the healing efforts Knobben leads is an online support group known as The Bridge.
“It’s called the bridge, because although we’re not physically constructing a bridge with wood and (other) parts, we are constructing a bridge between grief and love,” Knobben said.
“Part of healing is understanding that you have the ability to hold both grief and love at the same time, whereas I think we often believe we have to be either feeling love or stuck in grief. The truth is, we can hold both.”
She said once people who’ve experienced loss understand that, they realize that “you’re not going to be stuck in a pit of despair and that you can also feel help and joy again one day.”
Duquette has served as a birth and bereavement doula for about 12 years now.
A doula provides support and guidance services to a woman or couple during pregnancy and labour.
Duquette met Knobben through a mutual friend. They began talking about creating the Wave of Life gathering about a year-and-a half ago, but only got working on it in earnest about four weeks ago.
Duquette said along with the occasional sad story, she’s had some very positive experiences.
“One that just stands out in my mind, a really sweet couple, had a miscarriage and just needed an ear to talk to and someone to just kind of walk them through and make sure that they weren’t falling through the cracks and making steps forward,” she said.
“I’ve been able to follow them through into a journey of a healthy, happy baby boy” born just this past May.
“Thankfully, the majority of my job is birth with healthy babies,” Duquette said. “I thankfully only do bereavement work a small portion, but I’m very glad to offer it, if needed.”
