I ó and I alone, absolutely no one else! ó have the answer to everything and know the real, unquestionable truth.
Believe me.
I know people, the best people, really! They're absolutely the greatest ó just terrific. Believe it. Whatever you do, don't question it. Just don't do it.
Because anyone who disagrees with me is lying ó especially all those journalists in the dirty, corrupt media! They're all so crooked it's a disgrace. Real shameful. Sad.
Even so-called judges who have spent their entire adult lives studying and practising the law and were unanimously supported by both opposing parties in a 99-0 Senate vote under a Republican administration in 2004 are just completely and totally wrong in every possible way! So clueless. Really, what a dumb judge. Apparently nobody told him I am infallible and know everything!
Doesn't matter that I'm just a raving, ratings-hungry global real estate mogul and former media reality TV star, I'm well accustomed to the judicial system after being sued so many times over the years. I've also seen Law and Order and CSI. Television is great ó the best! Provides so much valuable information. Who needs comprehensive briefings ó certainly not someone who already irrefutably knows just about everything!
My sources tell me that as president, it is my sacrosanct right to act with total impunity and that my hastily drafted and tabled executive orders cannot be challenged because I'm the greatest ó just look at me sign these papers!
All those people whining about separation of power in government to establish checks and balances to prevent a megalomaniacal demagogue despot from crowning himself are just snowflakes. Crybabies.
Of course it's totally OK for me to callously and sometimes even ruthlessly dismiss any opposition by lashing out with insults. But any sort of satire like that terrible, sad, unwatchable show Saturday Night Live or criticism of me of any kind whatsoever is completely unacceptable. Just wrong.
But you'll see ó over the next four years, me and my magnificent A-team of billionaires and bankers as well as former Wall Street insiders will make America great again. We'll announce the more specific details about the same time as I release my tax return.
Turns out I couldn't actually drain the swamp, so I found some amazing apex predators to just throw in there instead. Spectacular! It's gonna be great, absolutely huge, I can't wait!
How shifting more of an already crippling tax burden on the middle class by slashing taxes and regulations for the wealthiest will actually work to provide prosperity for anyone but the 0.01 per cent remains to be seen.
This approach hasn't worked for the last several decades, but that's because all those other morons ó so incompetent actually, very sad! ó have been doing it wrong this whole time. They didn't cut corporate taxes enough, so trust me and my opulently wealthy and connected friends, this time it will be guaranteed to work!
My people are the greatest. We'll make the best deals so from now on it's us first.
We'll also conjure up some spectacular policies to fund my big, beautiful nearly logistically impossible multi-billion dollar wall ó let me tell you, this wall will be the most amazing thing the world has ever seen ó all while growing the military and kick-starting a whole new entire nuclear arms race!
It'll be absolutely fantastic ó no doubt about it ó the military industrial complex will flourish so we can once and for all establish security, stability and safety for our citizens.
We've already started taking the fight to extremists in the Middle East! I even approved a triumphantly successful mission that only resulted in just one single American casualty and several innocent people including a few foreign children from Yemen. But we're protecting American lives, so it's OK. Even my highly esteemed press secretary called the mission a success by all measurable accounts. Remember, anyone who challenges the state's official narrative like I did for Obama's eight years in office is a total, complete and utter liar!
Stay tuned, our remarkably unprecedented administration is going to accomplish some amazing things.
Believe me!
