“Grief is hard, but grief is not your enemy.”
This was among several key messages shared by Rick Bergh, an author with a background in counselling and thanatology, during a grief management seminar hosted Monday, May 7 at the Sundre Arts Centre courtesy of the Sundre Palliative Care Association.
When people endure a life-altering experience such as the loss of a loved one, they tend to take one of three approaches in coping with what can be an overwhelming surge of sadness, Bergh said last week during a phone interview while in Ottawa.
There are those who go around or attempt to ignore and block out the emotional pain. Others yet might fall back and succumb to depression and despair. But those who manage to come through to discover light on the other side of what might seem like an endlessly dark tunnel confront the trauma head on, he said.
“The only way to find happiness and joy is to go through grief. It’s not easy work, but it is necessary,” he said.
“We all will experience this in our story.”
More than 40 people attended his presentation A Once-Upon-a-Time Grief Journey. Bergh provided people with practical strategies and tools to help not only those who have suffered a personal loss, but also to offer tips to anyone who wants to support a friend or loved one who is mourning.
“It was a great turnout,” he said, adding the subject of grief is a topic some people are keen to learn more about.
But dealing with grief requires digging up turbulent emotions, which is not always easy to do, he said, adding some of those who attended had in recent weeks and months experienced deaths in their families.
“It’s very brave to come out and engage.”
People were largely looking for methods to manage their grief, understand the process, as well as what to expect as they move forward with their lives. Group sharing in a caring, safe environment such as the workshop can play a substantial role in embarking on the road to emotional healing, he said.
Narrative therapy — holding sacred and honouring the memories of our loved ones — is another key to overcoming mourning. Stories are a wonderful way to move forward, he said.
“Moving on to a new chapter in life doesn’t mean having to forget about the last chapter.”
Surmounting grief is not about getting over or forgetting, but rather adapting and finding ways to hold dear the past, he said.
Helping others cope with grief is not always easy, and many people might not know how to respond when someone tells them a loved one has just died. Platitudes such as expressing condolences for the loss are a standard response, but do not go far in alleviating grief, he said.
“When you don’t know the person who died, ask who the person was — what was their name, what were they like,” he recommends.
“Those questions open the doors to share stories.”
Engaging someone in his or her story and providing a compassionate response just by expressing an interest in the deceased can go a long way on the path to recovery, he said.
Bergh also discussed the importance of planning and being prepared for the inevitable resurgence of grief.
“It’s just a matter of time before grief comes back.”
Special occasions such as holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can often conjure up a cacophony of emotional turmoil, so getting ahead of and engaging grief before it returns is important, he said.
“Instead of letting it grab you from behind, face it, honour it, and make it part of that celebration.”
Bergh said his first wife died at the age of 47 following a five-year struggle with cancer, and that afterwards when her birthday would come along he would with their children celebrate her life with a cake from Dairy Queen.
Grief is essentially the emotional result of missing a part of ourselves, he said.
“That missing doesn’t go away. You’re always going to miss that person in some ways at certain times.”
The love for that person does not end after they’ve passed, but does evolve into a different type of love, he said.
Although he still misses his first wife, their children are doing well and Bergh has since remarried.
“We’ve been able to process and journey through the grief.”
Perhaps the most important aspect of facilitating the journey through grief is community and a caring network of empathetic people, he said, encouraging anyone who is mourning to seek support.
“Don’t do it alone,” he said.
“Find somebody who you trust, who is empathetic and a good listener. Somebody who will hold you accountable, and somebody who will celebrate with you, and somebody you can count on to walk with you along that journey.”
Another segment of the workshop was a presentation by Erica Phare-Bergh who works with the Voices in Motion choir. Her work is dedicated to creating a place for people with Alzheimer’s disease to express themselves through music by singing in her choir, said Diana Kleinloog, palliative care association president.
“We heard of the amazing power that music has for those who are unable to communicate in the way they used to,” Kleinloog wrote in an email.
The event was held in conjunction with National Palliative Care Week, which was May 7-11 and the association is committed to engaging the community to provide opportunities to discuss end-of-life care, serious illnesses, and the possibility of staying in the place a person lives in to die, she said.
“We continue to ask for your suggestions about topics you would like us to present.”
