Karen Carrier, a Sundre resident who lost her 19-year-old son Stephen Carrier to suicide in January, gave an emotional testimony in front of nearly 200 people last week during a Call to Action event.
“The hardest thing is not knowing why he chose to end his life and the guilt of not being able to save him,” said Carrier, during her speech at the Sundre Community Centre on Sept. 10.
“Waking up every day knowing my son is gone is hard. I miss him every moment of every day and at night in my dreams. Knowing I will never hug him again rips my heart out.”
She spoke during Call to Action's ‘walk in memory, walk for hope' event. Call to Action is a group that formed last year in an effort to bring the community together and spread awareness about suicide.
A total of 179 people walked through town last week in memory of people they may have lost to suicide and for hope to carry on.
Kim Free, the group's program coordinator, was brought to tears to see the initiative working and attract support from that amount of people.
“I think this event was an important one for Sundre,” said Free. “I believe that it provided some healing for those who lost someone close to them to suicide and I hope that it helped reduce some of the stigma around mental illness, depression and suicide.”
The event was held on World Suicide Prevention Day and people were invited to bring photos of loved ones they have lost to suicide for a memory wall.
The memory wall was inside the gym at the community centre, where along with Carrier, Mayor Annette Clews, Dr. Eugene Landsbergen from Sundre's Greenwood Family Physicians and Judy Jackson, teacher at Sundre High School, also spoke.
Signs were set up in advance around town displaying key messages such as “we can all make a difference”. All 179 people wore white T-shirts and walked around the community carrying signs of their own, showcasing various messages and photos of deceased loved ones.
Carrier said Stephen came to her before his death and told her he was feeling depressed. She advised him to seek counselling and told him that his family loved and needed him.
“Having depression is not something to be ashamed of. I now suffer from it myself from losing my son. I had to find the strength to ask for help,” she expressed.
She said it was scary to be in front of all those people, but that it felt good to get her message out there.
“I felt that one of the only ways that we can help stop suicide is if someone were to stand up and speak about the pain of losing someone to suicide,” she said. “We raised our kids to stand up for things and so it would be wrong if I didn't stand up for this.”
She felt she owed it to the community, after the overwhelming amount of support she and her family received after losing Stephen. She feels fortunate to live in Sundre because of the support they received.
“The community was very, very helpful and that was one of the reasons why I wanted to speak, is I wanted to pay back the community for the help they gave us,” she said. “I feel that if I can help other families not have to go through this, then it makes Stephen's death not in vain.”
She and Stephen's father, Barkley Carrier, were on holidays in Cuba on Jan. 15 when they received the call about Stephen's death.
“We got the call that we lost Stephen. We came right home; we were on the next flight out,” she said. “The hardest thing is to have to plan your child's funeral, because you don't know what they want, because it's something you never ask your children.”
Stephen's family created a scholarship in memory of him for a graduate of Sundre High School each year. The first one will be presented at the high school's annual academic awards this week.
“Stephen was a wonderful young man. He had everything going for him,” she said in tears. “If we can get people talking about it and being more supportive of people who are suffering from mental illness, like depression, then maybe the suicide rate will drop, because then people won't feel ashamed of having it.”
She believes people coming together in the community and creating awareness of the issue can make a difference.
“I'm not ashamed of what Stephen did. I'm not proud of it either, but I'm not hiding it, because hiding it is just going to not bring up the subjects that need to be brought up,” she said.
She keeps Stephen's spirit alive by talking about him and spreading awareness, and his family had a birthday party for him on his birthday in July.
“Talking about Stephen makes me feel better.”
