It is a good day for Mike Lawrence. He may be unemployed and facing multiple criminal charges that could send him to jail, but the day is still looking just fine.
He is clean and sober. Lawrence, 39, has been that way for more than 90 days. For a drug addict and alcoholic seeking recovery there is no better day than that.
But demons still haunt him, ones that have made his life a living hell since he was 12 years old. They grabbed hold of his precious 15-year-old son Christopher, a troubled street kid who was killed in a workplace accident near Drumheller on July 19. The tragedy at a gravel pit triggered public concern over provincial labour laws that allow young teens to work in potentially dangerous workplaces. A provincial probe into his death is ongoing.
And for Lawrence, his son's death, and the life he led up to the tragedy, is his worst demon of all. But he won't let that darkness take him to the bottle or meth pipe.
“I want a normal real life. You just can't lock yourself up in a room,” said Lawrence. “The drugs are all I've known for more than 20 years.”
But still Lawrence must learn how to navigate himself through the fog of almost three decades of addiction that led him to a tumultuous life on the streets, psychiatric hospitals, crime, and worst of all, a failed battle with fatherhood.
“The truth needs to get out there. This is what this kid (Christopher) had to deal with. I am not afraid to tell the world how bad a dad I was,” said Lawrence, who was recently released from prison on bail, but is scheduled in court next month to answer to serious home invasion charges stemming from an incident last February in Red Deer. He is also going to trial in December on unrelated drug charges.
“I think tons of good can come out of this. But it is still going to be hard every day without him,” said Lawrence of his past sordid lifestyle and the impact it had on his late son. “It was just the two of us. He touched a lot of lives. He was a good kid.”
Lawrence said his decision to speak publicly about his son was triggered by media reports that described Christopher as merely a “free spirit” who chose life on the mean streets only because he could learn more there instead of the classroom. The father said the stories angered him because he knew he was largely responsible for leading his son down a dangerous road that went nowhere.
“The stories about Chris were all wrong. He wasn't just free spirited. He was angry and depressed. It wasn't until he met his girlfriend Kristina Kinder that things got better for him,” said Lawrence. “He was suicidal before he met this girl. He was depressed, very depressed. He was seeing a counsellor. On some days he couldn't see the point of life. He was hurting.”
Lawrence said his son's life began to unravel as a toddler when the family broke up over his drug use. Christopher never again found the right path, quitting school at an early age, and living on the mean streets. The teen did come back to live with his father three years ago but the elder Lawrence's drug world lifestyle put their relationship on a constant collision course.
“With me trying to get clean and him having his problems, and I not knowing how to be a dad, I failed horribly trying to discipline him. We were just clashing all the time,” said Lawrence. “He was just angry because he felt nobody understood him. He was having a horrible time at school. I tried keeping him in school but he just wouldn't go. He was getting himself into trouble.”
But then a year ago, before Lawrence got himself into huge legal difficulties, the father and son finally reached a connection, the level of higher understanding most normal father and son relationships are able to achieve.
“We were tired of fighting. We were trying to figure out how to make a bong. We started talking about stuff and he said, ‘Dad, no matter what – family, school or drugs – screw it all. In the end it is just going to be you and me anyway',” said Lawrence. “That is what I wanted. It didn't matter who was wrong. It was a dad and his son, and all that stuff didn't matter to me. I just wanted us to be together.”
But Lawrence's life soon went haywire. By last February he was in jail. His son was back on the mean streets. But there was still that connection to fall back on. Christopher visited his dad in prison, and no matter what past differences they had, he was there to offer support and love.
“He said he would have a room for me once I got out,” said Lawrence. “He told me, ‘Dad, I don't care what you do but stay away from all those drugs. When you get out we are going to have a bong hooch but not crack or meth or any of that stuff. Just stay clean'.”
While Lawrence awaits his judgment days from the courts, he has set goals to stay clean and sober one day at a time, finding a job and figuring out how he can rebuild a relationship with his oldest son Trevor Blauel, who lives in Blackfalds.
“I haven't spoken to him much as my lifestyle has been horrible,” said Lawrence. “At Chris's funeral, if it wasn't for him I would have been laying on the floor. He was holding me up.”
When the 19-year-old son was reached in Blackfalds, Blauel said he was open to the possibility of forging some sort of relationship, but only if his father stays off the drugs.
“If he gets better it probably wouldn't be too bad,” said Blauel. “If he stays good, stays clean.”
In the meantime, Lawrence can only hope he can bring meaning to his life that has only brought heartache to loved ones.
Ironically, the tragedy that took his son away forever may have laid the groundwork for his best and last chance to finally make the most important amend he could ever know.
